To Puff or not to Puff?

October 3rd, 1993

The day after anniversary of my Father's birthday and the day before the anniversary of his death. Needless to say, that's a very emotional time for me. To add insult to injury, my husband (who is my one and only exhusband), decided to share with me some emotionally devastating news on that third day of October. It shattered me so much that I proceeded to hyperventilate to the point of almost passing out. I excused myself from the room and proceeded to spend the next several hours sitting on the bathroom floor crying. For some reason when I cried, laying my head against the cold porcelain of the tub made me feel better.

October 4th, 1993

I awoke to the laughter of my children. I knew I had to be strong for them, but every inch me felt like dying. Eating, well, that's something that the mere thought of made me want to vomit. So what did I do? I stopped eating and I started smoking. I still cooked, after all my husband and my children had to eat, right? I myself survived on coffee (which I've drank since I was five years old), coca-cola (which I had never drank before), and cigarette's (which I abhorred). Smoking to me was disgusting, unladylike, and something that I knew would dramatically reduce my life. Maybe I wanted my shell to die as I had already felt as though my soul was gone.

December 24th, 1993

From the lack of food, my body shook uncontrollably. I still couldn't imagine eating, but my body could no longer survive without some sort of nourishment. My family and I were due to visit my Mom in a few days and my husband knew he couldn't take me there in the condition I was in. So he took me to the doctor. The Doctor prescribed anti-depressants, muscle relaxers, and some type of medicine to soothe and relax my stomach. The medications seemed to calm my quivering, which was a blessing in itself. The next day I was able to eat a few bites of food, but not much.

It took me several months before I could tolerate eating a full meal again. Unfortunately, I didn't stop the smoking.

Yes, Angie's a smoker!

Yes, Angie is VERY ashamed of this fact and hid it from many.

January 1st, 2009

2008 wasn't a good year for me. Heck, it hadn't been very good to many of us. But here we are in 2009 with a renewed sense of hope. Hope for a better economy, hope for better health, and hope for a brighter future.

I called the Florida Stop Smoking hotline to get some help to kick my habit. They've provided me with phone counseling and nicotine replacement therapy. All free of charge. The only thing I had to do was quit! So I did. Sure, I'll still call myself a smoker for quite some time now because I'm a long way from kicking the addiction. I've started the process... I plan to continue it! I can succeed!

I'm also going to be joining Martha in her choice to live by taking off this excess weight that seems to love me way too much! By the way Martha, CONGRATULATIONS on your 6+ pound loss so far!! I'm so proud of you!! In another week, I'll be joining Jim on his runs. I used to run 10 miles a day and loved it! So, I'll be replacing the cigarette's with running! Seems like a good trade off to me! *smile* Jim, congratulations on your weight loss thus far this year too! It seems y'all are already ahead of me! But I'll catch up, just watch me!

January 12, 2009

The mail ran. In the mail today was not one, not two, but THREE "letters" from Marlboro. All three included coupons for cigarettes. I thought about offering them on freecycle.org, so I laid them on the counter. I told my daughter about them and told her my intent for them. Now, I'm honest in telling you that I HIGHLY considered using those coupons... I thought, what's the big deal... I'll use the coupons, smoke for the next several months then quit again. Somehow my daughter NEW I had this inner struggle. It was then that she asked me for the coupons. I gave them to her but told her to not throw them out, that I was going to give them to someone on freecycle. She looked at me, then grinned, as she took a pair of scissors and proceeded to cut each coupon into a million tiny little pieces. I'm like what are you doing... I'm smiling... face clenched... tiny tears coming out of the corner of my eyes... pleading with her to not waste them. She proceeded to tell me that I don't need to help someone else kill themselves! Later on she came up to me and asked me if I was mad at her for destroying the coupons. I of course told her I wasn't. Then she told me that she was afraid I might be tempted to use them for myself so she had to make them disappear. She told me that she knew me being upset was a risk, but it was the chance she was willing to take. The alternative, in her mind, was that I'd cause myself more harm if they still existed. So she did the only thing she could. She did the RIGHT thing! I'm glad they're gone!

Many years ago, when my son was still in elementary school, he came up to me after school one day and started shaking his hands really fast. I was like, what are you doing? He said: "Mommy, this is what your heart does every time you smoke". Why didn't I quit then?