Sunday, September 21, 2008

A Letter to Mom

Thank you for being there for me when I've needed you.
Thank you for the hugs each time I've cried.
Thank you for telling me you love me each time we talk.
Thank you in believing me in, even when I don't believe in myself.
Thank you for making scrapple just for me to take home when I've visited you.
Thank you for the honor of allowing my children to sleep in the same crib you slept in.
Thank you for the stories you've told me about your life.
Thank you for bailing me out of more than one bad situation.
Thank you for the many laughs, and the many tears.
Thank you for the wisdom you've shared.
Thank you for giving me a smile every time I think of you.
Thank you most of all for being my Mom, I'm truly blessed!

As a child I worshipped you, often saying that when I grow up if I become half the woman that you are then I'll be amazing!

Throughout my childhood, and to this day, I see the beauty in you. You're so poised! Very little seems to rattle you even after living 72 years of life! Keeping your composure during the most traumatic of life experiences is an attribute few have, yet many desire!

I remember as a child you used to have me walk around with a book atop my head. I thought it was only to improve my posture, but as I've aged, I realize it meant so much more! You wanted me to always hold my head high with pride, never faltering to that which condemned me. This by far is the lesson I've had the hardest time learning. I've caved more often than not to things, and people, who I seem to have given power over me! Did they deserve such power? No, not really, yet I gave it to them nonetheless. It wasn't until recently that I truly understood your teachings in this regard. Perhaps now that I see more clearly, true change in the right direction will take place.

Your shell.. something to be envied. Sarah (my daughter), somewhat curious as to how she'll age looked at the picture of you sitting on top of Daddy's Austin Healey Sprite the other day. She proceeded to tell me that you've not changed a bit in the last 50 years! Having spoken to you today I learned that Hayden (my nephew), as young as he is, recognized you in that picture as well! That little "pie faced" girl that kids made fun of not only won many beauty pageants, but to this day still looks so beautiful!

Your strength.. How do you do it Mom? It's been almost 20 years since we lost Daddy yet you, all by yourself, have been a shining star as the matriarch of our family. You've been there to support each of us when needed, and not just financially, but with your wisdom, heart, and soul. You've given guidance in hopes that we'll listen, yet you've still been there to pick us up when we've failed yet again. You leaned on Dad when he was alive, but all along you never really needed anyone to lean on! You've proven that you had everything within yourself all along!

When my son was born, you saved our lives. You were the one who alerted the hospital staff that there was something wrong with me. Beyond that, you were the one who raised me to not bow down to defeat! He was so sick but yet I never gave up believing that he'd survive! And that he did! I fought with every bit of strength that I had to give that tiny baby the will to fight when he was too weak to fight his battle alone! I've carried that drive with me and I'm utilizing it in my current situation. I will win this battle, because you've given me the tools to do so!

I'm still not there Mom, I'm still not half the woman that you are, but I'm working on it! Each day I learn something new and each day is a fresh beginning.

Thank you isn't strong enough to relay my appreciation of everything, but it will have to do!

I love you Mom!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

The Beast Within

As I gaze in the mirror today, adorned in only what I was wearing at birth, I see many scars. Some so deeply embedded in my flesh that you'd think they'd bleed if you simply touched them. Others, well they're ones that gently grazed the surface, not deep yet still there.

Some people are afraid of the scars life has inflicted upon me, they close their eyes and turn away. I, well I embrace each one as a cachet of beauty. You see, they're nothing more than the exquisite symbol of a war fought, and won.

We've all been cut many times in our lives. We've all survived. We have choices though, do we allow the blemishes to dictate every move we make, fearful of possibly obtaining another one, or do we grow and learn from them risking yet another mark?

So many deny themselves things they hope and desire out of fear. They carry around the mind set that if I let this person get too close to me, they'll surely hurt me.. after all, it's been done to me in the past. They're afraid to leap into a new adventure (whether it be a job, a hobby, a friendship) because there is the possibility of failure. Is this person who chooses to hold back truly living, or are they simply existing until death?

I'll admit that I've lived most of my adult life very guarded, fearful of allowing anything to scratch the surface. This habit had to end though, otherwise I may as well be dead.

So as I head out today, naked, scarred and vulnerable, I shall face the world and all it offers with enthusiasm, not fear. I'll embrace my family, my friendships, my life trials and tribulations with a renewed sense of endless positive possibilities!

I'd like whoever reads this to join me. Take my hand and together we'll conquer whatever beast who dares rear its' ugly face!

The World is a beautiful place, all you have to do is choose to live...

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Failure, Loser, Lemon...

The condition of not achieving the desired end.
One that fails completely.

Sometimes life kicks you in your stomach so hard that it simply takes your breath away. Even when you expect the kick, even when you're waiting for it, you're still left breathless. Then there's that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach that explodes into uncontrollable tears. Your body needs an outlet, so verses shriveling up and dying, you choose to simply break down.

You've failed! Even with all good intent, you've still failed!

You've let down those you love, those who depend on you, those who look up to you!

Do you let them see you cry or do you continue on with the facade that everything is going to be alright? Somehow, someway, it's going to be fine. Are you lying to them when you tell them this? Are you lying to yourself? Do you continue to fight even when the will to fight is gone? Do you even have the strength to continue?

There are so many paths you could take, each ending though with a brick wall! You run into one wall only to follow it with the next one, and the next one, and still the next one! When will the brick walls cease to exist?

The Pot of Gold at the end of the proverbial rainbow.. what a beautiful thought albeit unrealistic.. and at this point in time unobtainable.

I sit here trying to control the tears that simply continue to keep flowing! I try to breathe though constricted. I try to visualize myself as more than what I currently feel that I am.

This is my moment to wallow. For some odd reason I need it so that I continue on with the fight. Typically when faced with life trials I hit them head on running, and I don't look back. Typically I only break once all is well again. Why this time do I feel so crushed? Is it because I knew the blow was coming, and I thought I was prepared? In the past I've been blind sided by the tribulations not leaving time for self loathing.. this time was different though.

I've prided myself in giving the illusion of strength, but damn it I'm human too! If I had a partner, he could help me carry the load, but I don't have one. I'm fortunate to have my family and friends though.. they're the reason I'll continue to fight.. continue each battle in life as it presents itself.. continue to survive.

Now I'm off to cry some more...