Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Failure, Loser, Lemon...

The condition of not achieving the desired end.
One that fails completely.

Sometimes life kicks you in your stomach so hard that it simply takes your breath away. Even when you expect the kick, even when you're waiting for it, you're still left breathless. Then there's that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach that explodes into uncontrollable tears. Your body needs an outlet, so verses shriveling up and dying, you choose to simply break down.

You've failed! Even with all good intent, you've still failed!

You've let down those you love, those who depend on you, those who look up to you!

Do you let them see you cry or do you continue on with the facade that everything is going to be alright? Somehow, someway, it's going to be fine. Are you lying to them when you tell them this? Are you lying to yourself? Do you continue to fight even when the will to fight is gone? Do you even have the strength to continue?

There are so many paths you could take, each ending though with a brick wall! You run into one wall only to follow it with the next one, and the next one, and still the next one! When will the brick walls cease to exist?

The Pot of Gold at the end of the proverbial rainbow.. what a beautiful thought albeit unrealistic.. and at this point in time unobtainable.

I sit here trying to control the tears that simply continue to keep flowing! I try to breathe though constricted. I try to visualize myself as more than what I currently feel that I am.

This is my moment to wallow. For some odd reason I need it so that I continue on with the fight. Typically when faced with life trials I hit them head on running, and I don't look back. Typically I only break once all is well again. Why this time do I feel so crushed? Is it because I knew the blow was coming, and I thought I was prepared? In the past I've been blind sided by the tribulations not leaving time for self loathing.. this time was different though.

I've prided myself in giving the illusion of strength, but damn it I'm human too! If I had a partner, he could help me carry the load, but I don't have one. I'm fortunate to have my family and friends though.. they're the reason I'll continue to fight.. continue each battle in life as it presents itself.. continue to survive.

Now I'm off to cry some more...


OweMe1Cannoli said...

Angie, I don't know you, but after reading your post, I don't think any of the words you used - Failure, Loser or Lemon - applies. If that was the case, you would never have risen above the other blows you've been dealt. Just a quick note of encouragement, and sometimes, when one hears enough of them from enough people, she can find the strength to again rise to the top. I hope such is the case with you.

With kind regards,

Jinxie said...

Angie.. its ok to have your moment to wallow. We all need that from time to time. As a mom, I've always tried to be strong, show that I am dependable and that all is okay when deep down I knew that I was losing everything. I always believe everything will be okay, and I drive people nuts sometimes with that belief.
I did learn early on that sometimes you have to be honest with those around you and let them know you are struggling. Sometimes they know it but don't want to approach you because they don't want you to know they know. They are trying to let you be strong, knowing how important it is.
It's not easy to let them see you cry because you do feel like you failed them but in reality, you are there to wipe their tears and they should be there for you. Love is a two way street and let them care for you as well.
Work with one another instead of trying to do it all yourself.
I have no idea what is wrong but I know times are hard and it doesn't look like it is changing anytime soon.
I will add you to my prayer list for peace of mind and strength to get through what you need to.
You have friends here and you can vent anytime.
Remember F isn't for Failure its for Feedback. Learn from what went wrong and never go down that path again.
God Bless,

My name is Billy! said...


Strength is one thing I know you have and I will be saying as many prayers as I can for you.

Be blessed and be well.

Angie ^i^ said...

Thanks for the encouraging words Oweme1.. BTW, I'm Angie, nice to meet you! I know of your through Martha and her videos but I don't believe that I've ever said HI before.
Kindness from a stranger is a beautiful thing!
Thank you!

Angie ^i^ said...

Hey Martha,
I'm glad you understood my need to wallow for a moment. I don't do that often as I see it as a sign of weakness, but sometimes it's the only thing I have the strength for.

Today my daughter asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing. She said: "Mommy, you have that look on your face. The look where you're trying to cover up being sad but you're really sad look". She's so intuitive.

Ever since I became a single Mom when the kids were 2 and 4 (they're 17 & 19 now), I've done it all by myself. I've been and done everything! I'm so thankful that I've raised the children to be intellegent, gentle, kind hearted, and giving. They're such a blessing! Due to health issues, I almost lost him twice, and her once. I fought so hard when they couldn't fight for themselves. It's almost easier for me to fight for another than to fight in the light of my own failures. No one ever said life would be easy.. I'm just tired of being kicked in the gut all the time.

I think that you really do understand where I'm coming from, and I truly appreciate your words.

God Bless you as well!

Angie ^i^ said...

Thanks for the prayers Billy, you know you're in mine as well!!

As far as strength.. I fake it! *wink*

VoteNovember2008 said...

When life gives you lemons, you will find the strength to make lemonade again one day soon. VN8

Angie ^i^ said...

I'm working on it! =) TY Vote!

My name is Billy! said...

btw, I just came back because I just love that picture you used in this blog...I really let me go down here and do this word verification thingy before blogger kicks me off LOL!!

Angie ^i^ said...

Oh Billy, you're just too cute!! Thank you for the compliment dear, I sure did need it right now!
*big hugs*

Susannah said...

I think you need to write for a living. You should be a columnist.
Angie you are so far from failure.
Things happen. It's how you handle the shit that goes down that exposes true character. I often think of my great great grandmother Edmunda Bellinger. She lost everything in the civil war. She lost her beautiful home on the banks of the Ashepoo river, she lost all of her possessions, but worst of all, she lost her sons in the war. She persevered. Oh lord I have to go to bed I will finish this comment tomorrow.

Angie ^i^ said...

Suzy, you're so good for me! No matter how down I feel you always know just what to say to make me feel better!! I love ya girlie and thanks for the phone call tonight! It was GREAT chatting with you again!!

Country Comes To Town said...

Angie I'm sorry that I'm just discovering the blog. I know that you're having a hard time right now but you hang in there. There will be brighter days ahead and you'll be stronger for having been through this rough patch. You certainly are no loser, just a victim of bad circumstances.

Angie ^i^ said...

Thanks Jim,
It's been tough and seems to just get harder! I broke down the other night from having endured yet another blow.. writing seems to help me release that which ails me.
As far as strength.. I think it's someone else's turn to gain strength.. I need a break! =)